If you are a Republican, this is what you believe. This is why you should not be a Republican.

Text from Jim Bopp's resolution, as circulated among several RNC members (annotations by a box of rain pointing out that only millionaires and racists need apply):

"THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED, that the Republican National Committee identifies ten (10) key public policy positions for the 2010 election cycle, which the Republican National Committee expects its public officials and candidates to support:

(1) We support smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits and lower taxes by opposing bills like Obama's "stimulus" bill (i.e. we support increasing social stratification, we don't support opportunity creation for minorities or the poor, and we think that somehow benefits for the rich are in the interest of the middle class. We are blind to the fact that these policies destroyed our economy changing it from the best ever to the worst ever during the eight years of the Bush administration. We believe that markets can survive without a viable consumer class.);
(2) We support market-based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run healthcare (i.e. we believe that as government employees we are entitled to better health care than our constituents. We believe that health insurance should continue to become more costly, executive compensation at the health insurance companies should rise while the quality of medical care decreases. We believe that costs of health insurance should exceed the costs of home ownership. We believe that it is okay for our children to go to school with children who's parents can't afford health insurance and who thus spread their easily treated diseases to our children unnecessarily.);
(3) We support market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation (i.e., we support a complete lack of environmental controls. Cap and trade BY DEFINITION is the market based energy reform. By creating a market in allowable pollutants, the MARKET creates the incentive to limit pollution. By market based, perhaps the writers of this resolution mean laissez faire. In other words eventually businesses will discover that it is in their own best interests to control their polluting. This is just plain retarded.);
(4) We support workers' right to secret ballot by opposing card check (i.e. we support effectively putting an end to Labor Unions. Hmmm, I know lots of Republicans who belong to and rely on their labor Unions. They certainly wouldn't vote for a candidate who supported this proposition. Here's an idea: make the language regarding this resolution so obscure that blue collar workers can't understand it; then make the language regarding opposing gun control really clear. That way the labor class, assuming they are as stupid as we think they are, will still vote for us even though we have declared our intention to destroy their livelihoods.);
(5) We support legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants (i.e. we support closed borders and the no immigration at all. The fallacy in this resolution is that there is no current system in place for legal immigration. The reason that we have illegal immigration is because there is no practical method for becoming a resident of the United States unless (1) you have an employer is unable to fill a position with a current resident or citizen and can hold that position open for the 5 or more years it takes to hire foreign labor; (2) you already have a relative who is a resident or a citizen of the United States and you are willing to wait up to 20 years for a visa to become available; or (3) you have $1,000,000 to invest--Anyone care to challenge me on this?);
(6) We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges;
(7) We support containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat;
(8) We support retention of the Defense of Marriage Act (i.e. we support discrimination against people who are different from us. We believe our religious views take precedence over our obligations to protect the liberties of our constituents.);
(9) We support protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing and denial of health care and government funding of abortion (i.e. we support a system in which rich people have excellent health care and everyone else has no healthcare. Instead of providing decent, if not excellent health care to everyone, we would rather see half of the population denied access to any health care at all.); and
(10) We support the right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership (i.e. this ought to keep the farmers, the workers, and the illiterate mountain folk voting for us, even though our interests and their could not be further removed..); and be further

RESOLVED, that a candidate who disagrees with three or more of the above stated public policy position of the Republican National Committee, as identified by the voting record, public statements and/or signed questionnaire of the candidate, shall not be eligible for financial support and endorsement by the Republican National Committee; and be further

RESOLVED, that upon the approval of this resolution the Republican National Committee shall deliver a copy of this resolution to each of Republican members of Congress, all Republican candidates for Congress, as they become known, and to each Republican state and territorial party office.

Chief Sponsor:
James Bopp, Jr. NCM IN

Sponsors:
Donna Cain NCW OR
Cindy Costa NCW SC
Demetra Demonte NCW IL
Peggy Lambert NCW TN
Carolyn McLarty NCW OK
Pete Rickets NCM NE
Steve Scheffler NCM IA
Helen Van Etten NCW KA
Solomon Yue NCM OR"
(Remember these names and don't say I didn't warn you! Ed.)

Republicans Lie, Part 5*10^97512

We're going to need to create new numbers if we're going to continue to keep track.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Sean Hannity Uses Glenn Beck's Protest Footage
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Yikes! I thought this was an ad for 2012!

Phish performs... Avinu Malkeinu ?!

Just like in shul, except for the lights, the musical instruments, and the huge crowd.

Why are you opposed to the House Bill?

The House bill would impose a surcharge on individuals who make more than $500,000 and couples who make more than $1 million. The previous House bill would have imposed the surcharge on individuals who make $280,000 and families that make $350,000. The current bill also would impose a tax of 2.5% of income for those who make more than $250,000 and fail to purchase health insurance.

If I hear one more working shlub complain about the public option, which is an absolutely necessary part of health care reform, because, "it's gonna raise my taxes," I think my head will explode. SERIOUSLY man, wake up and smell the reality here. The only people who have any right to oppose this plan are:

1. the insurance companies who will lose their anti-trust exemption and have to compete fairly by actually providing value;*
2. individuals who report over $500,000 in personal net income and couples who report over $1,000,000 in personal net income (i.e. those with actual incomes in the 1-5 million dollar a year range); and
3. people who believe that "trickle-down" economics was anything other than an experiment that failed faster and more spectacularly than Soviet Communism and who actually believe they benefited by excessive executive compensation, outsourcing of labor jobs, and unequaled wealth stratification (aka "idiots").

* This week I had to cancel a doctor's appointment. I am insured with Kaiser Permanente at a cost of over $850 per month for my family of four as I am self-employed. After 21 minutes on hold to give them the courtesy of a cancellation call, I was rescheduled for: December 21, 2009! The first available appointment for a member paying $850/month was nearly two months away (my $30/visit co-pay actually raises the cost of medical care to my family to nearly $1,000/month). I could understand this kind of delay if the appointment were just some kind of annual physical or something, but this appointment is about a problem with a complication from a medication I am taking! Trust me, the government cannot do worse. I have had to receive medical care in both Canada and Israel. Believe me, we MUST have a public option when people like me are seriously considering the benefits of being uninsured.

The REAL Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster

I have been re-reading the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy books by Douglas Adams and am enjoying them immensely. In a moment of unquenchable curiosity, I decided to see if I could find a recipe for a "Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster". To start, I have consulted the modern day equivalent of the Hitchhiker's Guide, commonly referred to as Wikipedia. Consider the similarity from this quote:

The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy is an indispensable companion to all those who are keen to make sense of life in an infinitely complex and confusing Universe, for though it cannot hope to be useful or informative on all matters, it does at least make the reassuring claim, that where it is inaccurate it is at least definitively inaccurate. In cases of major discrepancy it's always reality that's got it wrong.

Wikipedia kindly explains, "The Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster was invented by Zaphod Beeblebrox, a major character in Douglas Adams' novel The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The effect of a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon, wrapped 'round a large gold brick. It has also been described in the novel as the alcoholic equivalent to a mugging; expensive and bad for the head."

The Recipe given in the book is as follows:

Take the juice from one bottle of that Ol' Janx Spirit.
Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V.
Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzene is lost).
Allow four litres of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of Qalactin Hypermint extract.
Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger.
Sprinkle Zamphuor.
Add an olive.
Drink . . . but . . . very carefully . . .

Wikipedia lists no fewer than six different concoctions that have been called Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters by various bars and clubs, but I believe all of these recipes are lazy. It is clear to me that Douglas Adams left plenty of good literary clues as to what the Earth equivalents of each of these ingredients are and it is my intention to create a REAL Pan Galactic Galactic Gargle Blaster.

First: "Ol' Janx Spirit". Janx is defined in the Urban Dictionary (www.urbandictionary.com) as follows: (1) junk, stuff, thing as in "hey, slob, can you unload all that janx from the dishwasher"; (2) everything in the freakin world as in "What the hell? Where's my janx?"; and (3) verb- to steal or to take from a bitch; to burgle as in "Dude, you janxed my chair." There is only one word in the English language that is synonymous with Janx as so defined and which can be used interchangeably in all three definitions. Coincidentally, it is also the common name for a popular form of Earth spirit: Jack. Also coincidentally, the word "Old" also appears on the label of this beverage, "Old No. 7". Clearly, almost obviously, "Ol' Janx Spirit" refers to Jack Daniel's Old No. 7.

Second: Water from the seas of Santraginus V. The book provides the following information about Santraginus V as summarized in Wikipedia: "Santraginus V is a planet known widely for its marble-sanded beaches. Seawater from the oceans adjoining those beaches, which contain extremely oblivious fish that apparently don't care where they're going, forms a key ingredient for the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. The drummer of rock band Disaster Area once stayed here while the rest of the band moved onto the next tour location (the planet Kakrafoon), and found a small pebble that he declared would be his friend." The first literary clue in this paragraph is the "oblivious fish." This is clearly reference to Einstein's famous quote, "What does a fish know about the water in which it swims all its life?" This is one of only two Einsteinisms involving fish that I am aware of. The other is the perplexing "Einstein Riddle" which he claimed was unsolvable by 98% of the world populations. The riddle goes like this:

1. In a street there are five houses, painted five different colours.
2. In each house lives a person of different nationality
3. These five homeowners each drink a different kind of beverage, smoke a different brand of cigar and keep a different pet.

THE QUESTION: WHO OWNS THE FISH?

HINTS

1. The Brit lives in a red house.
2. The Swede keeps dogs as pets.
3. The Dane drinks tea.
4. The Green house is next to, and on the left of the White house.
5. The owner of the Green house drinks coffee.
6. The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
7. The owner of the Yellow house smokes Dunhill.
8. The man living in the centre house drinks milk.
9. The Norwegian lives in the first house.
10. The man who smokes Blends lives next to the one who keeps cats.
11. The man who keeps horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill.
12. The man who smokes Blue Master drinks beer.
13. The German smokes Prince.
14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
15. The man who smokes Blends has a neighbour who drinks water.

The answer is like this:

I only know of one Green German liquor: It's Jaegermeister! "So, water from the seas of Santraginus V" is quite clearly Jaegermeister.

Third: Arcturan Mega-gin. The recipe says, "Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzene is lost)." This one is tricky. My first instinct was to look for gin as solid which could thus melt and "solid gin" turned up some promising possibilities. But what of the Benzene? Oh, Mr. Adams, you're a tricky one. Here's the key: U.S. Pat. No. 3,771,653, issued to J.P. Harnett, Nov. 13, 1973 describes a method for using the trash from a cotton gin to remove benzene and other contaminants from water. But here, we don't want the Benzene removed. Drinking water already contains benzyne from a number of sources. Accordingly, this ingredient is merely three ice cubes made from unfiltered tap water.

Fourth: Fallian marsh gas. Okay, unfortunately, marsh gas, on Earth is methane, the main ingredient in farts. However, this little tidbit suggests Fallian marsh gas to be something far more pleasant than farts: "Four litres of Fallian marsh gas should be allowed to bubble through the drink 'in memory of all those happy Hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia.' It can therefore be assumed that these gases are highly intoxicating, possibly even hallucinogenic." (http://zipcodezoo.com/Key/Animalia/Fallia_Genus.asp). What lawfully obtainable intoxicating or hallucinogenic gas could be used to carbonate this drink? At 2%, carbon dioxide is mildly narcotic and causes increased blood pressure and pulse rate, and causes reduced hearing. So, I'm guessing that the marsh gas of Fallia is 2% carbon dioxide. Quinine is a muscle relaxer and pain killer. As such some combination of carbon dioxide and quinine would cause all those happy hikers to die of pleasure in the marshes. Where to get a mixture of carbon dioxide and quinine? It's tonic water.

Fifth: Qalactin Hypermint extract. Mint Extract is Mint Extract. Altoids peppermints claim to be "many times stronger" than regular peppermints. Their secret (according to Wikipedia) is real peppermint oil. I believe this is as close as we're going to get with Earth ingredients.

Sixth: Tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Tiger's Tooth in Malay is, "Bukit Takun". Bukit Takun is a mountain in Malaysia. And, gasp! It is made entirely of limestone! I have looked no further, the fifth ingredient is a wedge of lime. Curiously enough, I discovered that there is a certain lime-like fruit called a Rangpur. One more quick search: where can you find a Rangpur farm in the United States? Sit down for this: Angola, Indiana. Coincidence? I think not.

Seventh: Zamphuor. Zamphour is a place on Earth but it is spelled Zamfur or Zamfara and it is in Nigeria. Zamfara State is mainly populated by people of the Hausa and Fulani tribes and their main staple crop is sorghum. The Chinese have been fermenting Sorghum into an alcoholic drink called, "Baijiu" for centuries. According to Wikipedia, the taste of Baijiu has been compared in English to paint thinner, rubbing alcohol or diesel fuel. Based on this description, if you can't find Baijiu, I think a sprinkle of Italian Grappa might make a fair substitute.

Eighth: An Olive. I believe this to be an olive.

So, here's the REAL recipe with Earth ingredients:

• Add one bottle of Jack Daniel's Old No. 7;
• Pour into it one measure of Jaegermeister;
• Add three tap water ice cubes;
• Allow four litres of tonic water to bubble through it.
• Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of pure peppermint extract.
• Drop in a lime.
• Sprinkle Baijiu or grappa.
• Add an olive.

I'm off to experiment!
(Wish me luck!)

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